‘Hard feelings. These are what they call hard feelings of love.‘ – Lorde

#1. This Will Never Stop Hurting

The problem with heartbreak is that it is both physically and emotionally painful. 

Physical because crying literally hurts. Sore nose, puffy eyes and little sleep. And then there is the emotional pain that is much more subtle but a million times harder. 

Worst of all? It cannot be drowned in alcohol, drugs, sleep or pain medication. 

The only real antidote for any sort of emotional pain is self-care, self-love and facing hard emotions. Sitting with ourselves and understanding why it hurts and then writing it down. Every. Single. Big. Small. All. Consuming. Emotion. Getting it out of our head and taking a breath. Then ultimately? Time heals. The word ‘human’ in the Arabic language is ‘Insaan’, its root? The phrase ‘to forget’. I love that. Our ability to forget can certainly seem like a curse but in heartbreak, it is definitely a blessing.

The truth? With time, the pain dulls, eventually fading away.

#2. I Will Never Meet Someone Else AKA #foreveralone

This is a common rhetoric because whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you, heartbreak feels permanent. Thoughts like “how can I ever love someone more?” and “everyone is going to break my heart anyways” are spirals. False spirals. 

The truth? There are over seven and a half billion people on this planet and statistically, the chances of you not meeting someone are low. Unless you actually want to be single, which is fantastic too.

#3. I Am Unlovable

There is something about heartbreak that makes us feel crappy and naturally we start to pick ourselves apart. For me? 

I told myself that I was too much, and not tall, blonde, blue-eyed. Obviously, both these things mean I am unlovable, right? 

Only months later did I realise that this was ridiculous.

The truth? There will be someone among the billions that finds your insecurities endearing and loves you either because or in spite of them.

#4. This Was All My Fault

With time, emotions dull until the blessing and curse of hindsight sets in. If at that stage you would like to identify your weaknesses and make a conscious effort not to bring them into your next relationship I think that’s fantastic. After all, heartbreak is just another form of failure that we can come back from. Stronger. 

For example, my weakness are definitely communication and confrontation.

But while it’s fresh, my advice is to leave it and not beat yourself up because there are always two sides to every story.

The truth? Yes, you may have done some crappy things but you know what? They probably did too. Or yes, they may have done some crappy things but you probably did too. It’s okay, that’s life and all we can do is be better.

The Truths

1. It will stop hurting – time heals all wounds
2. There are billions of people on the planet, being forever alone is statistically unlikely
3. If there are people out there that are in love with roller coasters, someone will love my crooked nose
4. It is no one’s fault – we can all do better

‘All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination’. ~ Earl Nightingale

Semester Two is here and while no one really wants the break to end, it’s going to happen whether we like it or not, so let’s make the most of it. Whether we did really well, really bad or just average last semester this is our chance to do better.

A fresh start.

I have had many fresh starts at this stage of my university career and here are a few things that I have learned that helped me get started on the right foot. If you get started on the right foot it is much easier to stay on the right foot.

1: Sync Your Class Timetable to Your Phone Calender

Whether you have an iPhone, use Google Calender or any other app, sync your class timetable onto it. Trust me. It will save you so much time, hassle and stress if you can just whip out your phone and know where and when you have to be places.

HOW
University of Auckland – Simply click here
AUT – Simply click here

Also – go to lectures. We are all paying literally thousands of dollars to be here (even if you course fees are free, accommodation in Auckland is not cheap) we should all make the most of it.

2: Write Down All of Your Assessments – NOW

Whether on a wall calender, an electronic calender or both, write down your assessments. All of them. When they are, how much they are worth and for good measure, colour code them by paper.

Personally I do both, which takes time but is very helpful. On top of that I do a third list – I rule an A4 piece of paper into the 14 weeks of semester and for each week I write down the assessments and assignments that are due. In what seems like the endless battle to keep our heads above water it is so helpful to know when busy weeks are coming.

3: Identify Weaknesses Early – Go To Workshops

In my first year my general education paper was Politics 107. I have always loved writing and I am not bad, but I am not a concise person and I had never had to write an essay for university. So naturally when I found out that this paper required many essays I was very nervous.

But here is what I did, I went to one of the libraries workshops on essay writing which are free and really easy to sign up via the the Libraries website. And guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Now I am not saying that to boast, anyone can do it.

The difference is that I identified my weaknesses early on, asked for help and worked bloody hard on fixing these weaknesses.

4: The Pomodoro Method

I am just as distracted as the next person, I think it’s a generational thing. It can be hard to focus on an essay about World War One or memorising drug names when our Instagram DMs are blowing up. But I can tell you the key to study, the real key is focus. Phone on silent and in my bag. Every single tab closed. And a solid instrumental playlist in the background, or nothing at all if you prefer.

Now this is hard, really hard, that’s where the Pomodoro method kicks in. Twenty minutes of focused, intense study and a five minute break. Just put a timer on. Initially twenty minutes was hard but now when I am in the groove I can do over an hour and a half, easy.

How?

Well, the brain and our ability to focus is like a muscle. Train it to do more and eventually it will be able too. The best part? Once I am finished studying I can actually go out with my friends without guilt, sleep in, binge Netflix, whatever. University in many ways is about learning to work smarter not harder situationand this is definitely a great way to accomplish this. I know I accomplish so much more in a hour of concentrated focus than three hours of; lets check my phone every ten minutes and try and learn the periodic table at the same time.

If you want more information about this or just about study tips in general Thomas Franks YouTube videos are excellent but truly this is the key. Focus. Focus. Focus.

5: Have Fun

There is plenty of time to stress, worry and study. My advice? Especially while the semester is still slow and the workload isn’t too bad, keep up, but have fun when the opportunity arises. Go to those Balls, see that movie, go on a road trip. Make memories that will keep you going during exam time. Also, it definitely helps prevent burnout which happened to me in my second semester and trust me you don’t want that. Think you don’t want to study now? Burned out you won’t even want to come near a textbook let alone open it.

The Point

1: Sync Your Class Timetable to Your Phone Calender

2: Write Down All of Your Assessments – Now

3: Identify Weaknesses Early – Go To Workshops

4: The Pomodoro Method

5: Have Fun

Connect. Gain Perspective. Act. Develop Gratitude. Move. Eat, Drink and Sleep Well. Get Professional Help.

• In 2016, 8.8% of 15-24 year olds in New Zealand had high or very high levels of psychological distress – the highest of any age group.
• A UNICEF study found New Zealand has 15.6 adolescent suicides per 100,000 individuals aged 15-19, the highest of any developed country in the world.

University is Tough

In my fifth and final year of university, I have had my heart broken during exam season, failed tests and been stressed up to my eyeballs. You would think by now that nothing would get to me, but that is where you are wrong my friend. But I am here to tell you two things, first the story of how a slight inconvenience plummeted me into a downward spiral a few weeks ago. Second how I ‘Just Kept Swimming’ and how you can too.

My Bus Didn’t Come and I cried on Queen Street

What happened? I needed to be at the North Shore by 8am to watch a surgery so I woke up at 5:30am, waited at the bus stop for 45 minutes but my bus didn’t come. I froze.

• Should I call my course coordinator and tell her? What if she got mad at me?
• Should I call the practice? But what would I say to them?
• Should I catch an Uber? But what if traffic is bad and I am late anyway?

So, with all these thoughts spiralling in my head I did what any adult would do, I cried, became frustrated at myself for crying and naturally cried some more. The main thought going through my head? If I can’t catch a bus, how can I expect to do anything in life let alone graduate? God I am useless.

So, I went home, balled my eyes out, watched Brooklyn 99, called my mum, cried some more, went on a walk with a friend and finally calmed down. By that evening, I looked back at the events of that morning in shock over both the way I froze and the way I broke down to what really was a minor incident. Especially since both my course coordinator and the practice understood. It was no big deal. But as is often the case, I was already stressed by;

• Multiple looming assignments and practical assessments.
• A friend that was stressing me out.
• Family tension.
• A different course coordinator that was making my life very difficult.

All of this was topped with a couple of weeks of sleep deprivation, so maybe it makes sense that the bus incident tipped me over the edge.

How to Just Keep Swimming

I consider myself a generally happy, glass half full kind of person. It takes a lot to stress me out but I, just like everyone, go through rough patches. The reality is, we cannot control life or what it throws at us but we can control how we react to it. This is how I ‘Just Kept Swimming’.

1: Connect
For the love of all that is good, don’t lock yourself away. Connect. With people you love, even if it’s not about the issue that you are struggling with. With strangers, ask a barista how their day was. Or even go for a walk-in nature, buy yourself a coffee, read a book in the library. Get out of your own head and connect.

2: Perspective
Will this matter in a week, in a month, in a year? If the answer is no, let it go.

3: Act
Stressed about a deadline? Log out of Facebook, go to the library and get started.
Performed badly on a test? Email your lecturer for a one-on-one to discuss how you can improve.
Someone is treating you badly? Let them know.
Action is the best anecdote for anxiety.

4: Gratitude
If you cannot change your situation, sometimes you must accept it and focus on the good things in life. We all have much to be grateful for.

5: Move. Eat, Drink and Sleep Well
Dance, lift weights, run. Eat your fruits and vegetables. Sleep 8 hours plus. Looking after our brains most basic needs in hard times is the first step.

6: Get Professional Help
The University of Auckland offers six free counselling sessions that as a student we have already paid for and I am sure most universities have similar services – utilise them. I have gone to counselling several times for a variety of things, some big, some small and I have always walked out feeling better. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out, in fact we all should be.

Getting Through Hard Times was written by Y.M. from University Confessions. Mental health has always been a problem with the student demographic, which shouldn’t be ignored. Together with University Confessions, we hope to make a positive difference.

“Love? Let’s talk about love. Is it anything and everything you hoped for? Or does the feeling haunt you? I know the feeling haunt you.” – All the Stars

Love

This is the time of year when you may be starting to notice people and people are probably starting to notice you.
Love is magical, exhilarating and in university, it is everywhere. Don’t they say that you are probably sitting in the same room as the person that you will marry on your first day?
But for some of us, love is forbidden and whilst Romeo and Juliet make that seem exciting, that stops being true when it becomes your reality – it is in many ways my reality. Something I only realised last year when I fell in love with somebody that was unacceptable to my parents.
I was crushed.

Context

I have lived in New Zealand for coming up to 17 years.
My parents are the best human beings on this planet and have sacrificed mountains for my siblings and me. I love them with all my heart. They are also Asian, conservative and religious.
For years I was too, so of course, I assumed I would marry someone that they would approve of and that this part of my life would be easy. I could not have been more wrong.

I Fell in Love

You see, I grew up and changed.
You see, I fell in love with an amazing person that did not match the <1% of the population that my parents would approve of.
You see, I was faced with a heartwrenching choice, my happiness or my parents.

Decisions

As is the irony of life, the decision was made for this person and me, and I parted ways.
But now the reality of my choices haunts me, always at the back of my mind.
When I meet someone new, I think a million times, are they worth my mother’s broken heart?
When someone asks me out, I think a million times, are they worth my father’s disappointment?
When I am about to fall for someone, I think a million times, are they worth the ostracisation from my community?

Western Partners

The truth is I might have ended it with the person I met last year regardless of our circumstances, why?
Because of the reality, the complication that is my parents and community.
How could I ask someone I love to enter a household where they are not accepted?
Where the culture is so different? Where a foreign language they won’t understand is spoken almost constantly?
Even if they were willing, how could I ask them to deal with all of this, to fight so hard for me when it could be simple with someone else.
I don’t know if I can.

I Wish

I wish it was easy.
I wish I had parents who I could bring anyone home to knowing they would love and accept them.
I wish I didn’t have to fight so hard. Isn’t love hard enough without all of this?
But that is not my reality, so now I am left as I am often am as a child of an immigrant, lost.
Too eastern for the west.
Too western for the east.
In limbo – not quite anywhere.

Our Duty is to Our Hearts

I shared this story because it is not just my story. It is the echoes of so many of us that have to choose between being ourselves and conforming in a world that tells us we are wrong.
The wrong gender.
The wrong sexuality.
The wrong race.
The wrong religion.
But you know what I have realised, literally as I type these words?
Those that love us will come around, what is meant to be will be and ultimately, in the words of Mulan, our duty is to our hearts.

Too Asian for the West and too Western for Asia from Failure was written by Y.M. from University Confessions. Mental health has always been a problem with the student demographic, which shouldn’t be ignored. Together with University Confessions, we hope to make a positive difference.

“Failure is not falling down, but refusing to get back up.”

The Importance of Failure

So the mid-semester break is over, and I am sure that we have all watched a bit too much Netflix and probably done too little study.
Getting back into semester can be exciting, but also terrifying because things are going to be getting tough, fast. That is if they haven’t already.
Some of you may have your first university test or assignment in the next couple of weeks, and whether it’s the first time you have done it or the hundredth (as for me), it’s hard not to feel nervous. I don’t know about everyone else, but I always feel like I could have studied more or edited my assignment one last time.

It’s tough because we all want to do well, after all, that’s why we are here, spending thousands of dollars.

To do well.

But you know what? Life means that sometimes we don’t do well and if anything, these moments of failure define us and our future more than our successes, or at least I think so.

Why?

Because failure teaches us more, it’s a hard pill to swallow, certainly, but definitely a vital one.

From C- to an A+

Allow me to tell a story. Back when I was an innocent first year, I received a 50% mark for my Physics 160 test.

I was gutted.

Now allow me to put some context, first, I was studying Biomedical Sciences, and although I was not applying for Medicine, the pressure of that environment meant that your best never felt good enough.
Second, I was a high achiever in high school, always had been. It was definitely a case of big fish little pond going into little fish enormous pond.

Finally, I worked really hard for that test, and when I say really hard, I mean really hard. I attended all the lectures, studied for hours and did all the practise problems.

I knew the content.
But that didn’t matter.

What mattered was that I almost failed and I was in tears.
But you know what?
I got an A+ on that paper.

I am not saying this to brag; I wholeheartedly believe that if you are at university, the only thing stopping you from achieving your potential is what you put in and that doesn’t change when you do badly.

So what did I do? A few things:
First, I put things into perspective. Was this test the end of the world?
No.

Would I probably care about it in six months time, a year, five years?
No.

Was I getting upset going to change anything?
No.

Were there things I could do to try and avoid the same mistakes?
Yes.

Second, I meticulously went over my test paper and identified the things I did wrong and worked to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the next paper. For me, that was not managing my time well. So next time I had a test, if there were 50 question in an hour, I designated myself one minute per question. (Actually, 40 seconds, and yes I time myself during tests and exams.)

Third, I went to all the tutorials and asked for help in content that I knew I was weak in.

Fourth, I did loads of practice papers because while this may not be true for all papers, physics, like maths is learned by application and doing. Although honestly, doing practice papers was also helpful for BIOSCI and MEDSCI papers.

Finally, I consistently looked after myself. I slept eight hours a night, ate really well, exercised five times a week and drank lots of water.

Now was this fun?
I am not going to lie to you, no. But in the words of my wise old grandmother, nothing worthwhile is easy.

The Point

1. Perspective: stay positive, don’t be discouraged.
2. Identify your weaknesses and make a plan to fix them.
3. Ask for help: no one knows you are struggling if you don’t tell them.
4. Practice, practice, practice.
5. Look after yourself.

So if things don’t go so great this test and assignment season, and if you don’t do as well as you would have hoped. Don’t worry, you can always recover.

And a final note, university and your grades do not define you, they are just part of the puzzle.

Good luck!

Bouncing Back from Failure was written by Y.M. from University Confessions. Mental health has always been a problem with the student demographic, which shouldn’t be ignored. Together with University Confessions, we hope to make a positive difference.

“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” Thomas Aquinas

Adult friendships are hard.

There I said it.

You know what’s harder? Adult friendships at university.
Looking back, we had it so easy as children; you chose someone in your class, grabbed their hand and they became your friend to play tag with.

No one cared if your eyebrows were on fleek (are we still saying that?!), no one cared what generation iPhone you had, no one cared whether you had a thigh gap and definitely no one cared if you owned a pair of Huaraches.

I will let you in on a little secret.

The only one who cares about these things now is us and the odd person that we meet who does care, well maybe they aren’t worth our friendship.

Don’t get me wrong, adult friendships are still hard. Trying to coordinate timetables, not break the bank and get anywhere in Auckland city traffic can seem almost impossible. So much so that often it seems easier to not bother.

Happiness in friendship.

But let me tell you why we should bother to make and maintain friends.

Happiness.

When on their deathbed people are asked, what made them happy in life more often than not their answer was relationships. And you know what, take it from someone who is in their fifth year of university, you are not going to be a good student if you aren’t happy.

Making friends 101.

So how to make and maintain friends in this jungle? Here are a couple of tips

To make friends? Easy. Talk to people. Okay fair enough, that isn’t easy for everyone, especially if you are an introvert, but don’t worry everyone is as worried and anxious as you are, some of us are just better at hiding it. It doesn’t have to be complicated conversation either, no one needs to solve the problems of the Middle East; how about What is the last movie you saw? Or What is your favourite TV show?
Jumanji and Jane the Virgin.

Basically you need to find something in common and once you do? You will be fine. Just think about She’s The Man and Do you like Gouda conversation.

Side note; clubs are a great way of making friends too!
Once we have friends we need to keep them and to do that we need to make an effort to connect meaningfully.

Now that isn’t easy with busy schedules but we don’t have to see each other all the time, once a week, once a fortnight, even once a month can be great.

I only see my best friend about once a fortnight in busy times but we spend hours together when we do and she is definitely a source of happiness in my life.

What you do doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive either. A couple of my favorite things are to walk up Mount Eden, catch a movie at someone’s place or to cook a shared meal at a friend’s apartment. But honestly whatever works for you.

Making and keeping friends is hard, everyone gets anxious about it, no one is perfect at it. But you just have to try and it definitely makes university a happier place.

Tips & tricks

1. Join a club or start one of your own. The university has over 200!
2. Connect with acquaintances! You would be surprised what you have in common with people (classmates, colleagues, the random person sitting next to you in class) when we try!
3. Find common ground; movies, music, TV shows.
4. Make plans with people you love and put it in your calendar.
5. Prioritise relationships as a form of self-care.
6. Reconnect with old friends especially old school friends.
7. Keep plans simple; a walk, tagging along for grocery shopping or a meal.
8. Social media cannot replace face to face time but it is super helpful for making plans!
9. Everyone is as anxious as you are around new people!
10. Smile! People are drawn to good energy!
    

Friendship and How to Make Friends at Uni was written by the team at University Confessions. Mental health has always been a problem with the student demographic, which shouldn’t be ignored. Together with University Confessions, we hope to make a positive difference.